Suze Returns

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you went on a chocolate-pasta-potato diet?  I gave it a whirl last year and found it incredibly easy to stick to.   Unsurprisingly instead of losing weight I stacked on a mega TWENTY-FIVE kilos. 

I’d love to use Annabel as an excuse yet it’s unlikely given the average woman puts on a mere 11-16kgs.  On a positive note I did fulfill my childhood dream of submitting an achievement to the Guiness Book of World Records.  Scoffing down mars bars was a lot easier than my first attempt at a GBWR twenty years ago.  I used to bounce up and down on the trampoline in the backyard for hours until the noise drove my parents insane and they dragged me off.  Come to think of it I may have been lured off the trampoline with a mars bar.  It seems that 65 gram bar of chocolate caramel heaven is a central theme in my life.  I have several methods of eating them if you are interested.

Anyway….! The last three months have been a real eye opener.  Not only have I given up chocolate, pasta and potatoes but it’s also been my first experience walking round town as a genuine fatty.  I’m not talking about being a sultry, curvaceous, renaissance type.  I looked utterly massive and put on weight in places I never thought possible, I even had fat fingers.  

When I ventured out I was afraid people would stop and stare at me, so I was surprised to realise that when you are that fat you become invisible.   Doors aren’t held open, there are no second glances or friendly smiles and certainly no drinks offered.  It’s a lonely existence and a very shallow part of me missed the humble amount of attention I was accustomed to.   How pathetic is that?

Nevertheless, I’m happy to report I’m winning the battle of the bulge.  This month I got both my wedding rings and jeans back on.  There are still a few kilos to go but I’m no longer a “before” shot for a Weight Watchers commercial.  In fact while I was shopping at the market on the weekend a 65 year old Italian man greeted me with,

“Ciao Bella!”

Outwardly I rolled my eyes and handed over the corn.  Inwardly I flicked my hair, smiled and vowed never to enter fatland again.